[***]
NARRATOR: Last week on Married...with Children:
Steve left Marcie, so Peggy decided they should go someplace to forget.
Las Vegas!
Don't give me a two,
because my husband sells shoes.
Seven.
Ah!
To pay for her vacation, Peggy had to sell
something of Al's.
What the hell's wrong with this remote control?
Well, Dad, I'm no electrician,
but I'd say the trouble is the TV's gone.
Oh, and by the way, Dad,
so is Mom.
Wait a second.
Let's not gloss over this TV thing.
The girls lost all their money.
But Peggy found a way to get more.
When Al found out, he took the news
with his usual aplomb.
Kids, get a change of clothes and a baseball bat.
Because we're going to Vegas!
And now, Married...with Children continues.
Five thousand dollars.
I can't believe it.
We lost $5,000 apiece...
in 22 minutes.
[FORCED LAUGHING]
What are we gonna do?
So, gals...
who wants to ride the Wild Elmo?
Oh!
So, gals.
Who wants to ride the Wild Elmo?
Smart move, Marcie.
He could've bought us a couple of drinks.
We could've taken him in the bathroom
and rolled him.
Didn't your mother teach you anything?
There has to be another way we can earn some money
and still hang on to our pride.
[PIANO PLAYS]
Thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen.
We're gonna take a break. But we'll be back
with more of our special tribute:
"Tony Orlando: Genius or Madman?"
* If I can *
* Make it there *
*I'll make it *
*Anywhere *
* It's up to you *
* New York *
* New *
* York *
New York!
[LAUGHING]
Thank you.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen.
Now,
let's have a little round of applause
for the little lady on the piano.
[SILENCE]
Ah, come on, folks.
Her husband just left her.
How about it, huh?
[SLOW CLAPPING]
Hey, I know a pity clap when I hear one.
Shut up, Marcie.
You're cooling off the crowd.
And a great crowd it is.
Because they've got...
The look of a lynch mob?
No.
Personality!
* 'Cause you've got *
* Personality *
* Walk *
* Personality *
* Talk *
* Personality *
* Smile *
* Personality *
* Charm *
* Personality *
* Love *
* Personality *
* 'Cause you got a great big heart *
* Personality *
[LAUGHING]
So, uh, how many of you are from out of town, huh?
Wow.
Las Vegas.
The city that never rests.
The city of viva.
The city of lust, greed and...
excess.
My city.
Las Bud.
Yeah, well, over the Rockies,
you were Mr. "Hold me, Daddy.
We're gonna fly into the sun."
Now, kids.
You know why we came.
One, to get my TV.
Two, to get my $5000 back.
And, uh...
[SNAPS]
...what was that other thing?
Find Mom?
Nah, there was something before that.
Oh, yeah.
Key Wayne Newton's car.
All right, now I want you to fan out.
And if you find Mommy,
or something Daddy would like a little better...
give the Bundy yell.
I wanna die?
That's the one.
All right.
Hot babe.
Cold shower.
Look, buddy, I told ya.
It's 100 bucks an hour,
and they have to be art photos.
Hi, Al.
Look, Marcie.
It's Al.
I'm busy.
Peg--
Look, I know what you're gonna say.
Honey,
it was wrong of me to sell the TV
and to max out our credit cards,
and to lose our $5000.
And believe me,
I've never been more sorry.
Do you have any money?
No.
Buzz off.
Did you get anything?
Three dollars.
Boy, they don't pay
these federal agents anything.
Al, you are the man.
What are we gonna do?
Peg, if I was really the man,
I would've married the TV
and left you at Sears.
All right.
We're a thousand miles from home,
we're flat broke.
Now give me a minute to think.
MAN'S VOICE: Do you, Al Bundy, take this woman
to be your lawfully-wedded wife?
AL: Do I look that stupid?
Oh, God.
Hi, Kelly.
Hey, any luck finding Mom?
Well, I've got, uh, feelers out everywhere.
What are you doing?
Just wondering.
I mean, why doesn't everyone
who's looking at the spinning ball
bet on number 14?
Well, Kelly,
probably because the odds are 38-1
against number-- Fourteen!
Pay number 14.
That could never, ever happen again.
That was just dumb luck.
Thirty-two.
Yeah, right, Kel.
See that fat lady over there?
If number 32 comes up,
I will go over and kiss her on--
Thirty-two!
Excuse me.
Now, how did you do that?
Well, I just let my mind go blank.
What do you mean, "let" it?
How can you stop it?
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, Kel.
You let your mind go blank and then what?
Well, then a number comes into it, like...
seven.
Seven!
Hey, the real stupid girl knows the numbers.
I'm rich.
Kelly, I love you.
I'm not kidding.
I'm feeling something very special here.
Kelly, marry me.
Damn the law!
Uh, Peggy,
he hasn't moved for an hour.
Maybe he thinks he's having sex.
If I was, you'd just come in and spoil it.
Okay, it's clear to me,
the only way to get this money
is for me to win it back.
So gimme everything you got.
Okay, uh...
8 bucks and, uh...
some confetti?
That's your credit card.
The machine seems to be rejecting it.
I'll just keep it as a symbol of our love.
[BLOWS]
All right, 8 bucks is all I'll need.
For I will build this into a fortune.
Let's kick some booty.
Oh, now I know everything's
gonna be all right.
Because the man that sifts through my garbage for food
is gonna break the bank in Las Vegas.
Are you gonna play,
or do we just soak in your exhaust fumes
until we drop?
You can't just play.
I've got to feel it.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Nope, I don't have to go.
This is it.
This is the one.
This is my lucky table.
This is where I shall play.
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
Would you care to try your luck,
Mister...
Bundy. Al Bundy.
I thought so.
And what is your name, my dear?
Yummy All Day.
And yummy all night, too, I'll wager.
[CHUCKLING]
Don't you remember me?
The night in Monaco?
Why, Yummy... I didn't recognize you dry.
Excuse me, sir, but...
can I get you a drink?
Beer. Shaken, not stirred.
Oh.
I know, I know.
Hey, babe.
Give me a kiss.
You're hurting me.
I like to hurt women.
[GASPING]
Apologize to the lady.
I'm sorry.
Oh!
Thank you, Mr. Bundy.
No problem, miss.
Always ready to help out a lady in distress.
And dis dress, and dis dress.
Get my beer, please.
Oh, and a TV Guide.
For later.
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
I like a man...
who's on top of things.
And I like a woman with things on top.
[MYSTERIOUS THEME PLAYS]
Would you care to make a bet, sir?
Sir?
Sir.
Hey, you!
You wanna make a bet or what?
You bet I'm gonna bet.
Ungh.
It's a $20 minimum, sir.
Who was that guy?
Loser. Born loser.
Dad, Mom...
Sweet cheeks.
I looked everywhere for you, Dad.
I need you to place a bet.
They won't let me, because I'm underage.
Come on. We can't lose.
Thirty-five.
Yeah.
Thirty-five.
[CHEERING]
See that, Dad?
Now, Kelly can pick winning numbers
on the roulette wheel.
She got 20 in a row.
See, Al?
And you didn't want her.
Quick, honey, bet whatever number she says.
Like I don't know what's gonna happen.
As soon as I bet,
she'll pick the wrong number.
Oh, just bet, you idiot.
What's the number, Kel?
Two.
Bet, Al.
Ah! I can't do it.
You know my life, my luck.
There's no way that thing's gonna stop on--
Two.
[CHEERING]
Hey, Daddy...the guy in the cowboy hat
wants to take me to Monte Carlo.
If I promise to be in bed by 10, can I go?
No.
Now, listen very carefully.
Everything the Bundys will ever have
is riding on you.
Now, concentrate.
Tell Daddy... the number.
Thirty-three?
You sure?
She's sure. Just bet, Dad.
Hurry! Come on! Hurry!
Eight bucks...
on 33.
And...
the winner is...
five.
[GROANING]
What happened, Kel?
Well, Daddy made me nervous,
and I couldn't get my mind
to go blank.
Nice work, Al.
You stink!
Yeah, you reek.
Seven.
Seven!
KELLY: Twenty-three.
DEALER: Twenty-three!
Well, Al, now what are we gonna do?
Well, let's go for it all.
Let's have a couple more kids by mistake
and move in with your mother.
PEG: Hey, Al.
There's a way to win $10,000.
What do I do, Peg?
Sell everything I own 20,000 times?
No.
All you have to do
is wrestle with a G.L.O.W. Girl
for three minutes.
What's a G.L.O.W. Girl?
So, what time's your match?
I don't know.
I just hope I don't get another car salesman.
They bite.
Count your blessings.
Lawyers leave greasy spots.
You mean, all I have to do
is roll around on the floor
for three minutes with one of those?
Well, don't get too cocky, Al.
You haven't lasted three minutes
with me in years.
Hey, you never put up 10 grand!
Where do I sign?
And now, entering the ring is our challenger,
Al "The Starvin' Shoe Salesman" Bundy.
[CHEERING]
And now, let's meet your opponent.
[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]
Oh, gee.
I'm really in for it now, huh?
Yup, because your opponent is our own...Big Bad Mama!
[CHEERING]
Let me at him.
It's $10,000, Al.
That's a dollar a pound, Peg!
Get in there, you big baby.
Do it for me.
No!
Do it for the kids.
No!
Al...do it for the TV.
Come on, Bundy.
Now, let's go over the rules.
No eye-gouging.
No foreign objects.
And Big Bad Mama,
no biting below the waist.
I'll try.
That's all we can ask.
Let's get it on.
[BELL RINGING]
Wrestle.
Aah!
Help!
Help me! Help me! Help me!
ANNOUNCER: And Big Bad Mama's got him in a headlock.
God. He fought harder than that
on our honeymoon.
Oh, my! She's rubbing his eyes against the ropes.
Come on, Al.
You can do it, honey.
Only 2 minutes and 48 seconds to go.
[AL SCREAMS]
God, what a baby.
No!
Help me! Help me! Help me!
Hey, no fair.
She's biting below the waist.
[HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM]
Why isn't he fighting back?
Oh, it's not his fault.
He's just so used to losing.
Come on, Al!
You got her right where you want her.
Mommy. Mommy, help me!
Mommy, help me!
Hey, Mom, do you think she's really hurting him?
Oh, no.
Everyone knows this stuff isn't for real.
Peg. Peg! Peg!
Peg! Peg! Peg!
[LOUD THUD]
Wow.
Okay, babe.
I see what you got.
Let's rock.
Oof!
Aah!
Al...
I am really disappointed with you.
You know, your children are watching.
I know, Peg.
That's why I'm holding the blood in.
[SCREAMING]
Mom, I'm afraid.
I mean, how's he gonna sell shoes
with his head flopping around like that?
CROWD: Seven...eight...nine...10...
CROWD: 96...97...98...99...
100!
Uh, Peggy, I think she may be killing Al.
Nah, he knows what he's doing.
He's wearing her out with the brain-a-dope.
Twenty seconds to go.
Hang in there, Bundy!
I did it.
Ilived.
ANNOUNCER: Uh-oh.
What? What?!
Big Bad Mama's climbing the ropes.
And I think
you all know what that means.
What? What?!
Get outta the ring, Al!
Run! Run!
I can't move my legs.
Someone shoot me!
She's setting him up for the Big Tsunami.
But she'd better hurry.
Three seconds... two...one...
[BELL RINGS]
And it's over.
He's done it. He's lasted three minutes.
But I don't think that matters
to Big BadMama.
Once she's moving, there's no stopping her.
Good night.
Yah!
[LOUD THUD]
[WIND HOWLING]
Come on, Al.
It's time to go home.
Must you always lag behind?
Daddy.
Would you like to try
to drink some more of these peas?
You were right, Peggy.
I really did need a vacation.
I feel renewed.
And you know what?
I don't need a man.
They're just excess baggage.
[CHUCKLES] Tell me about it.
You know, Marcie,
it's a shame to leave Vegas
with this much cash.
Let's gamble some more.
Maybe take in a show.
After all, it is found money.
What about Dad?
Oh, just leave him
to watch the twinkling lights.
He's so easily amused.
Ooh.
[***]